Sunday, May 20, 2012
A swan song for "Dear John"
Oh boy have I been judged, yet it’s a knee-jerk reaction from a lot of people. All I can say is that you are not in my position having to face the same decisions. I have someone here close to me, we used to be lovers and we used to speak of the future, finding an apartment together and of living a life together. That is all gone into the melting pot of life but out of that fire and passion I have gained a best friend who loves me unconditionally. She knows my fears my worries and regrets and she knows what is going on in my head. Strangely enough we had a conversation yesterday about my choice. I mentioned that I was trying to keep my promise to keep fighting the battle for her and other people in my life. Chrystelle looked at me with her deep eyes and told me to stop, she told me it’s a promise that I can’t keep and that I should be doing things for myself not for anyone else. She told me that it pains her to see me suffering just to make other people happy and that I should be making myself happy. I had to do a turnaround and try and look at myself through her eyes and you know what I didn’t like what I was seeing and I can only imagine the pain I have caused her. I know that I’m causing other people pain but they don’t see me as I am now and some of them just have their heads in the sand. I realise there will be some people left to pick up the pieces and I am really sorry about that but all your comments about waiting for different dates for different reasons don’t do you justice and show me that you just don’t understand. You have no comprehension as to what this disease is doing to me or how it is affecting me, you haven’t seen me in years but although you know me you don’t listen to me. You care to remember me as I was, not as I am now and you make a judgement call on that premise. I have had many a discussion here with people I interact with daily, I’ve had many discussions via Skype with people affected with ms and who are in the same boat as I am. I have an American beauty and a South African beauty who think as I do and who also want the same option and control of their lives. There are some people that I haven’t discussed this with which is also causing aggravation as I’m expected for various reasons to make my intentions clear and to discuss my actions. All I can say is that this is my life that I have to live and that this is my choice to at least keep some form of dignity. So please allow me to make my own decisions based on the way I live my life not on the way you would like me to live it. I’m not about to discuss my daily life, it’s humiliating enough already living it and I’m not about to humiliate myself even more by putting it down on paper for all and sundry to see. There are many people who know me and who are supporting me and my decision even though it is causing heartache. I thank each and every one of you for your understanding. To Atheana and Sandy, yes I named you, you are two exceptional friends and I love you both dearly. Pour Chrystelle, tu es le seul vrai amour de ma vie. Merci comme tu es, Je t'aime pour toujours et après.